Take a look. That’s the creation of the universe right there. You’re welcome earthlings. CHRIMAS HODBOE!
CHRIMAS HODBOE here to share some more amazing tales of Whale Whispering. We kayaked 47.3 miles out on friday and we saw four Gray Whales. We whispered to them, letting them know that the ladies of CHRIMAS HODBOE would be kayaking out on Saturday. The above poses of CHRIMAS HODBOE is how we Whale Whisper. The results? Spectacular, duh. Who are the ladies of CHRIMAS HODBOE you ask? They are Nicomily Clamino, one Emily Cimino and Nicole Clap. Emily and Duke mind fight against Nicole and the Son of Hod. It’s always a stalemate because the combined awesome sauce of both parties cannot cancel each other out. Anyway, now you know the ladies of CHRIMAS HODBOE, you’re welcome earth.
Nicomily Clamino were in one kayak with the Duke in another. Miss Cimino is unfortunately very prone to seasickness but to our combined fortune this lead to her vomiting profusely off the side of her kayak. Her barely digested and oddly unchewed Scooby Snack fruit gummies were very alluring for a newly minted Gray Whale. His name is Jacob Jacob. You can call him Baby JJ and he don’t give a shit. He has a very lovely personality combined with a Honey Badger’s attitude. He cuddled the kayak of Nicomily Clamino. And now without further ado, I give you Baby JJ:
Eargasms anybody? Then get ready because tomorrow at 6:42 p.m. pacific standard time, CHRIMAS HODBOE will be recording the EDCA podcast. We’re going to talk about a great many things from World Politics to the mating habits of Mantis Shrimp. Once it is done and edited, we’ll let you know where to get it. But you must prepare properly to listen to it or you might die of severe tinnitus.
Step One: Drink an entire bottle of ketchup in under 4 minutes and 37 seconds.
Step Two: Plant you hands on one side of the wall and your feet on the other in your bathroom and take a piss, making sure to miss the toilet entirely.
Step Three: Wash your hands.
CHRIMAS HODBOE once ate an entire pulsar. The resulting bowel movement created 72,346 black holes.
CHRIMAS HODBOE created lasers, you’re welcome botanists.
CHRIMAS HODBOE maintains the stance that if ain’t broke then break it.
CHRIMAS HODBOE doesn’t use totes because CHRIMAS HODBOE stores all things in the mind, but if CHRIMAS HODBOE did use totes he’d use one of these bad boys. It’s a tough choice though, so CHRIMAS HODBOE chooses both. And so should you because of these reasons:
- You can keep your Brutus towel in there along with your Lunchables and boxed wine.
- They make excellent grocery bags so you can say you saved the environment (CHRIMAS HODBOE already did this, but he’ll let you take partial credit).
- They can hold roughly 16 kittens and 7 puppies.
- The Endless Summer Tote makes for a great tool bag. Easily holds 13 hammers.
- Reynard’s Tote can fit two entire spare suits inside with room for a pair of loafers.
- 22 pounds of sand from your favorite beach is easily smuggled away in either tote.
- When used while wearing any Everyday California apparel, they generate a force field.
- They’re sexy. Pure and simple.
- CHRIMAS HODBOE demands it.
CHRIMAS HODBOE would like to enlighten you on his mind storage. Seventy Billion years ago CHRIMAS HODBOE created inter-dimensional travel, you’re welcome aliens. This made it possible for wizards, mages, warlocks and witches to create Bags of Holding. If you don’t know what that is then you probably had some semblance of a social life during high school that did not involve 20 sided dice and Dungeon Masters. Your loss. CHRIMAS HODBOE’S mind is a Bag of Holding. Come get some space dwarves!
CHRIMAS HODBOE never left, because he can’t. He’s everywhere, always, errday! And now he’s here, again. Don’t try to figure it out, because you can’t. It’s a paradox, which was invented by CHRIMAS HODBOE.
And CHRIMAS HODBOE has some things he’d like to share with you:
1. The new shop is freaking fantastic. You need to see it. It’ll make your soul feel touched by soft angel wings.
B. We’re working on a new website. It’s going to blow your mind-hole. Just like our new shop does.
1a-c5. Whale Watching is fast approaching, get stoked. Each season we see record numbers of Gray Whales and we’re excited to bring you out to play with these gentle giants.
III. We’re introducing an insane campaign. It’s called The Worn by Brian Line. Here’s the deal: Brian Stevens wears almost exclusively Everyday California gear, which makes sense because it’s the freshest, sickest, oh-so-soft-it-makes-you-want-to-cry gear around. And every once in a while, Stevens takes a day off. Which means he’s not being harassed as much as he deserves. So, when he does take a day off, CHRIMAS HODBOE will blast out his whereabouts on our social media. If you can find him, you can buy the Everyday California shirt off his back, the EDCA hat off his head, and ladies…if he’s wearing some of our limited edition sweatpants…they’re yours. And he HAS to sell it to you, no matter what. Even if he’s in church. Or the courthouse. Or the bathroom at In and Out. It’s a full on assault. The goal is to deplete his wardrobe. We’ll keep you posted for more details.
7 after. The CHRIMAS HODBOE tour is once more available. It happens a couple of times a week. You’ll know if you’re going to be on it because you’ll wake up tingling the morning of with a warm fuzzy feeling, like you’ve had one too many mai thai’s.
CHRIMAS HODBOE invented the color purple. You’re welcome royalty.
CHRIMAS HODBOE isn’t back. He never left. Christopher William Chinn, brother to Thomas Uriah Jarboe, has landed in Pacific Beach. His hillbilly prowess has been assimilated: CHRIMAS CHINBOE is here! You’re welcome earth.
CHRIMAS CHINBOE pulled a baby giraffe out of a well dug by activists in Africa. Freaking activists.
There once was a time when the world did not know CHRIMAS CHINBOE. That time is over. Get with the program. The dark time is over. Meteor showers follow in the wake of CHRIMAS CHINBOE.
There are two things CHRIMAS CHINBOE cannot do: Suck and Die.
You ever wonder why there’s so much freaking pez out there? I mean, I get it; the dispenser heads are neat and you can find one of almost anyone. I once saw a Mike Tyson Pez Head, complete with his face tattoos. But who are these people collecting them? Why do you need 1200 pez dispensers of Luke Skywalker and Johnny Carson? You don’t! And no, they aren’t going to be worth anything in 20 years, 40 years or ever. They’re junk, they dispense one of the worst candies ever made. If you say you like pez, you’re either lying or you’re weird. Either way, you probably should reconsider your status as a human. In fact, you’re most likely a mutant insect alien sent here to be destroyed by CHRIMAS HODBOE. Freaking galaxy.
Tommy 2 Guns greeted CHRIMAS CHINBOE this morning with, “Morning. You shit the bed?”
“No Tommy, no I did not. I pooped my pants instead.”
CHRIMAS HODBOE, say it and feel rejuvenated and a little violated. Anytime our name is said aloud, CHRIMAS HODBOE is inside your mind. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone your secrets…for a price of course, which we will discuss at a later date. CHRIMAS HODBOE eats goat horns.
PSA: CHRIMAS HODBOE is starting a podcast. You’re welcome audiophiles. Stay tuned for more information and prepare your ears for audio ecstasy. This public service announcement is brought to you by CHRIMAS HODBOE. CHRIMAS HODBOE is not responsible for lost children or stolen cellphones.
And now it’s time for some afternoon poetry. Grab a mug of tea, throw an afghan on your legs, curl up beside a fireplace and soak up some sweet words:
All great minds
Madness is conjured
Then they give
Gifts beyond absurd
Wilting petals bury souls
In gardens filled with bones
Weeping children sing along
To preachers songs of right and wrong
Of those meat suits in boxes, plotted six feet under
In the land of natives our graves have torn asunder
Their dreams combine with ours and theirs
Of tarantulas and trolls
Of firebrands and Hawaiian sweet rolls
Of sticky notes and blood soaked stains
Of busy ports of planes and trains
Of murdering rhythm and raping rhyme
To halt the movement of time – to the site returned
Flowers left for dead
Stone monuments based on budgets
Declaring dates of beginnings and endings
Missing the middle: life lived
Sense then, and Reason with safety in numbers,
the voice of the one diminishes and slumbers.
Fact: CHRIMAS HODBOE started a church. The Church of Pie Slap, where insolence is rewarded by a swift slap to the face. The Lord of the Pie Slap dwells within the confines of CHRIMAS HODBOE. CHRIMAS HODBOE is an ordained minister of the peace. Marriage services are available at 25% more than whoever else you were thinking about using to tie your souls together. Why? CHRIMAS HODBOE.
It’s No-Shave November, please remember to ditch your razor and let your beard flow.
CHRIMAS HODBOE prevented WWIII, you’re welcome France.
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CHRIMAS HODBOE is perturbed, which caused a 12.7 magnitude earthquake on Mars. Saturday, the powers that be attempted to separate CHRIMAS HODBOE. CHRIMAS HODBOE cannot be separated, only stretched. CHRIMAS HODBOE invented silly putty. You’re welcome children of the 1950’s.
CHRIMAS HODBOE did not create The Universe, he let’s God take care of his light work.
Fact: CHRIMAS HODBOE rode on one skateboard at the same time.
Another Fact: CHRIMAS HODBOE doesn’t like it when people pronounce “crayons” as “crans”. It’s “CRAY-ONS”, get it right. Also, watch how you pronounce “peanuts”, you know who you are.
Better Fact: CHRIMAS HODBOE invented Snoop Dogg. You’re welcome gangsters.
CHRIMAS HODBOE deserves a cult. That being said, drink the kool-aid and tell your friends.
And now boys and girls, a noontime poem:
Fiend from the Wall
Seeing, sensing, suprising all
He stepped out from the wall.
Gathered round the fire place
All gave way before his space.
Spindly arms grained as wood
Shook and sought as if they should
Seek to grasp and find the one
Who stirred his fiendish heart and fun.
Frightened and Fearful
Stunned and Tearful
The party’s eyes were unbelieving
The devil’s looks so deceiving
His fiery orbs transfixed the girl
His spell, it sent her thoughts awhirl
And froze the rest
At his behest
Horrified they could but watch his hellish movement towards his treasure
Undulating wooden legs hobbling forward in ghastly measure
Six-fingered hands seized her then and dragged her to the wall
Where the surface dipped and swallowed them both before the eyes of all.
No-Shave November is upon us. Do your part and stow your razor. You can also check out my Movember page and donate to help men’s health:
CHRIMAS HODBOE saved an entire alien species from extinction. You’re welcome mormons. And Scientologists.
Goodreads Book Giveaway
Giveaway ends December 03, 2013.
See the giveaway details