CHRIMAS HODBOE isn’t back. He never left. Christopher William Chinn, brother to Thomas Uriah Jarboe, has landed in Pacific Beach. His hillbilly prowess has been assimilated: CHRIMAS CHINBOE is here! You’re welcome earth.

CHRIMAS CHINBOE pulled a baby giraffe out of a well dug by activists in Africa. Freaking activists.

There once was a time when the world did not know CHRIMAS CHINBOE. That time is over. Get with the program. The dark time is over. Meteor showers follow in the wake of CHRIMAS CHINBOE.

There are two things CHRIMAS CHINBOE cannot do: Suck and Die.

You ever wonder why there’s so much freaking pez out there? I mean, I get it; the dispenser heads are neat and you can find one of almost anyone. I once saw a Mike Tyson Pez Head, complete with his face tattoos. But who are these people collecting them? Why do you need 1200 pez dispensers of Luke Skywalker and Johnny Carson? You don’t! And no, they aren’t going to be worth anything in 20 years, 40 years or ever. They’re junk, they dispense one of the worst candies ever made. If you say you like pez, you’re either lying or you’re weird. Either way, you probably should reconsider your status as a human. In fact, you’re most likely a mutant insect alien sent here to be destroyed by CHRIMAS HODBOE. Freaking galaxy.

Tommy 2 Guns greeted CHRIMAS CHINBOE this morning with, “Morning. You shit the bed?”

“No Tommy, no I did not. I pooped my pants instead.”