CHRIMAS HODBOE is at the helm. Prepare to have your mind hole shattered and scattered to the four corners of The Universe. Just ask Kristy Mincey. She knows; she’s had a taste. If you don’t know who she is, look her up. And pay your water bill while you’re at it.
I would say that I digress, but I don’t. Ever. Even though I invented that word.
Who is CHRIMAS HODBOE? Picture The Most Interesting Man in the World. Now burn that picture. CHRIMAS HODBOE can’t be compared to anything or anyone that has ever existed, not even The Predator. You think Danny Glover stands a chance against CHRIMAS HODBOE? You’re insane, commit yourself.
CHRIMAS HODBOE is one name, two people, and infinite power. You already know about Thomas (the Duke) Jarboe. And he mentioned Christopher (Son of Hod) Hodson in the last post. Also, be careful peeing in the wind. CHRIMAS HODBOE has a plan, it’s world-changing. In fact, it’ll save the world at the precise moment of its doom. We’re talking apocalypse reversal. Not prevention because nothing can stop the apocalypse from coming, except CHRIMAS HODBOE.
The meaning of life is to obtain 90 minutes of guided kayaking through the La Jolla Ecological Preserve with CHRIMAS HODBOE. Also, CHRIMAS HODBOE is within 437.6 miles of your location at all times.
Fact: Chuck Norris ruled The Universe until CHRIMAS HODBOE decided he shouldn’t. I can’t be bothered with the tedium of running it, so I handed over the reins to the spirit of Douglas Adams, he reigns in my stead.
Super Fact: Everest is the product of Lincoln logs, 30 minutes of spare time and CHRIMAS HODBOE. You’re welcome earth.
Another Fact: CHRIMAS HODBOE created aliens and radio. You’re welcome.
Check this out:
“Hey man, you know where I can—”
“I’m more than a man.”
“I…I…I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Two and one half blocks west, on the north side of the street.”
“It’s the yogurt shop where you can find cake batter flavored frozen yogurt.”
“How did you know that’s what I was looking for?”
“What should I get my girlfriend for her birthday?”
“What she wants most isn’t a material object. She’s waiting for you to be fully committed. When she looks at you, she sees hesitation. She wants to know you’re in it for the long haul. Go to craigslist, search for one-bedroom apartments within a nine mile radius of Vons. Pick three and print out the listings. Give her that. And a pair of gloves.”
After this conversation, the guy did as he was instructed. He and his girlfriend are now engaged and the gloves prevented her from getting frostbite when their car broke down in Alaska. CHRIMAS HODBOE cares, CHRIMAS HODBOE slays dragons.
You want gold? Here’s how you get it:
Step 1 – Find at least fifteen bearded gnomes. Capture them by using candy traps. Shave those beards.
Step 2 – Braid those beards into a lasso. Soak finished lasso in a bucket of your sweat for three days. Let the lasso dry in the heat of the sun during an eclipse. Now it’s magical.
Step 3 – While riding a one-horned bull, use your new magical lasso to capture a unicorn.
Step 4 – Milk the unicorn.
Step 5 – Find a rainbow that terminates at the base of a clover patch. You’ll find Darby the leprechaun there. Tell him I sent you and offer him a swig of your unicorn milk. Make sure it’s at precisely 39 degrees F. He’ll be pissed if it isn’t.
Step 6 – Once Darby passes out, grab him by his left ankle and hold him upside down. Four golden coins will fall out. Take two, don’t be greedy.
Step 7 – Get CHRIMAS HODBOE tattooed onto the back of your neck. If you don’t, your gold will disappear.
You’re welcome, again.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
CHRIMAS HODBOE, out.